I have stopped being involved in my father's care.
During a phone call with our care manager, I said,
> "I don't care anymore. Whatever happens to him... even if he dies... I just can't do this anymore."
Those were my true feelings.
You may think I'm a terrible person.
But that's not what I mean.
I don't wish for my father to disappear.
I simply can't support him anymore.
Yesterday, my father called me again.
I muted the call and didn't answer.
I don't know whether he was calling because he was furious again,
because he had calmed down,
or for some other reason entirely.
---
When he became angry about the grilled fish for breakfast, he shouted,
> "I thought you were going to take care of me!
> Then why are you even here?!
> There's no point in you being here!
> Get out!!"
To him,
I am simply
**the person who grills the fish.**
Not his son.
Just a servant who isn't doing his job.
Is a son not allowed to simply live in his parents' home?
That was the moment my heart finally broke.
---
According to the Welfare Division, my father remembers none of it.
That may very well be true.
He has dementia.
This was not the first time he had told me,
> "Get out!"
>
> "Go home!"
Since my mother was taken to the hospital by ambulance a month and a half ago,
I think he has said those words to me dozens of times.
If he forgets everything and resets each time,
then even if I return to Nagano,
sooner or later he will simply tell me again,
> "Get out!!"
---
I deleted the home-monitoring camera app from my phone.
The kitchen is probably overflowing with dirty dishes by now.
The smell of fermented natto is probably filling the room.
The garbage has most likely been left untouched.
The cherry tomatoes I threw into the trash are probably rotting.
The frozen udon he usually eats for lunch may already be gone.
The natto and milk are probably gone as well.
When my father runs out of food,
he simply stops eating.
It never occurs to him to go to a convenience store and buy something.
If I saw the house in that condition,
I know I would feel exactly as I did before—
"I have to go back."
---
I know my father has dementia.
I know he cannot live without support.
But that support doesn't have to come from an untrained son.
My father needs professional support.
And so do I.
**Please...**
**Someone who knows what to do...**
**Please help us.**
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